Date written: 10/05/2024, 5:30pm.
Date put in site: 10/05/2024, 11:58pm.
Unedited.
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[journal entry]
...Sometimes when I have a sleep paralysis or nightmare, it involves being at a function, like a party, and I’m not in control of my body because I’ve had alcohol or something. This time I was at a party, and then I had to be in a dancing circle, which I did, and then - I got it. And I turned into a dove, which was amazing, I was just flying around and around like a dove, it was beaeutiful and so freeing and I felt like I finally understood how to be transformed and how to be free, mentally, because it wasn’t really about if I was a dove or not. But I felt I was. I saw my wings, I saw myself flapping and flying, and the way I related to myself and my movements was as if I were a dove. It’s possible the others saw me as still me, but that’s not what was imporant. That was irrelevant. It was that I was flying and dancing and I felt free in the air.
The music was going, and then it stopped, because the figure was coming - I don’t remember if it was the figure playing the music or the one the music was for - but we all knew that it was no longer dancing time. Instead, the music went off and I quickly and with some stress un-dove-ed. (Let go of my dove body.) And the figure was dressed in green, or blue robes, and when it turned around the hallway or the doorframe [I see it now, as I’m typing this up...], to come into the room we were in, I saw that its face was comprised of a jumble of moving images. And I looked, and even though it had no discernible face or eyes, it was just many images, it looked at me and I knew we made eye contact because like a wave, in my minds eye, I was flooded with terrifying images - of skulls, of violence, of the effects of violence. I was semi-conscious at this point. I said my duaas, and even my quls didn’t make the images stop. And when I opened my eyes, my head was still shaking, the insides of my skull reverberating, even when I was looking at my sheets, when I was out of the dream, and the understanding I got through that was this figure was real. Even when my world was my own, I could still feel its presence, in the most physical way this non-physical experience could be.
I will not lie because it did, does, at the time of writing, make me afraid. It makes me afraid because equally a) it was a scary thing to see and experience and b) the vividness was scary. Reality is reality is reality until it is not, and the way I feel is real but my reasons for the feeling, in rational cool understanding are not. Meaning, what I saw or felt in the dream is not real. So this fact scares me. That I am affected by things inside my mind - my brain - so legitimately.
And also, sometimes I feel this is something to be grateful for. Access and sight to - something completely imaginary. Permeability is both terrifying and inspiring.